Mother of a Fangirl. Spyglassez Did we always get along? These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. AITA for not driving my wife to our son's wedding since I'm not invited? Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. Nip . Ostensibly through her mother. a truly horrible driver. I mean, maybe? I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. Im also coming from a place where I 100% agree with Wendy that her interests could also change next month or next year so its more about tone/approach/attitude than actual activities. I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH. But his way is tearing them apart, to the point where she and I look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him. She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. And of course. bittergaymark I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. Same thing with intellectual or cultural topics. Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. But what upset me more is his reaction. Before reading Wendys answer you and your daughter sound awesome! (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) Mommy and daddy love each other. Jake O'Kane: Is the DUP really going to sink the Assembly and reject the Windsor Framework? He can take care of himself." Like many women,. I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. And dont EVER talk negatively about one spouse to your children. Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. Im a mom of a 14 yr old version of this LWs daughter mine is going to One Direction on Thursday, and will be spending all of Wednesday and Thursday both preparing for this epic event. lets_be_honest This sounds a lot like my childhood! FOR the past four months, my friend has been chasing a guy at college. My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. But since we dont know which type of person the girls father is (bullying and hurtful, or rude/stubborn yet ultimately well-meaning) I think its helpful that people who had experience in this issue can comment. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. The Inner Light Seriously. lets_be_honest No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. It could be something as silly as him walking into the kitchen when theyre talking and him jokingly saying something like Theres my two girls talking about Buffy again! and rolling his eyes. I simply didnt get it.) Hell, even back in my day it wasnt that hard. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. I think dad is being a bully. Pull up plans of Serenity and compare them to the Space Shuttle. We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. In her mind, hes the only man who should be in your life and she may feel like shes losing him if you get divorced. I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. Do I wish shed made more of an effort to hang out with me sometimes and like the stuff I liked? lets_be_honest And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. Cant we at least celebrate that the things listed like Harry Potter probably indicate that the daughter is reading a lot of books not a bad thing , lets_be_honest My other daughter moved out recently into a flat-share with some friends. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. I got a very different vibe from this. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. It takes a bit of work to plan activities when she comes visit me in Chicago (my parents are happily married, but visit me separately) but we bound over food and shopping for kitchen stuff! Thats awesome! In the past, every day held exciting discoveries about the one whose ring you now wear on your finger. A little . But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. I fell in love with football and cooking and baseball, which were things he loved. I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. Theres making a light-hearted joke when something is spilled, and then there is telling your child that what makes her happy is stupid. When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. Make it easier for him to be his best self. Of course they have an us against him mentality when he acts like that. lets_be_honest I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! Hilary Duff has always come clean about her parenting journey over the years. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. Um, no. These were followed up by hours and hours of This Old House, which we were required to sit through for family time but we werent allowed to speak at all during the show, lest my father miss something. July 2, 2013, 11:50 am. The kid keeps it all inside because she doesnt want to disappoint Mom, and the relationship with Dad dies. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. So the fact that there are things that he likes doing is a good start, and the fact that he wants to do those things with your daughter is excellent. Please do try to give the same gift to your daughter. WWS, especially You may not see the rewards right away. All rights reserved. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE RESPONSE, WENDY! Um, Im in my twenties and all my friends like these things. Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. Please implore him to realize that if one of your daughters peers was reacting similarly to her, the two of you would deplore that child as a Mean Kid. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. What if your partner rolled his eyes and engaged in ever escalating arguments would you keep pushing them together!?! Especially a board game like Cranium where everyone can shine in what theyre good at, and it can be good to pair up with someone youre different from. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. sign, Get the day's headlines delivered directly to your inbox, You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. Really not sure why I waited so long. Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) It can be tough sometimes, and obviously a lot funner to be the friend than the parent. What is arguable? My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. 6napkinburger I wanted to read 800 crappy Star Wars novels? Um, not so much. Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. Counseling could help because communication is an issue here because no matter how much youve talked about it nothing has changed. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. The LWs husband sounds like my father. What makes a person so hard to please or so unwilling to be predictable? My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. Older and (hopefully) wiser Is there crap out there? See a different horoscope: Select My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. lets_be_honest Id hate it if a parent did that to me and Id hate it if my partner did that to me too. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. I wanted nothing to do with my dad for a long time. bittergaymark Tom Pettys Southern Anthem was the first CD I ever owned. (I threw it all up and cried. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. Most certainly. WWS. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. Usually sharks.). July 2, 2013, 2:36 pm. Thats still not OK. He would watch Full House or something with us. I have to just try harder.. Please dont suggest counseling communication is not an issue, as we have talked about these problems over and over. After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. LW, I think encouraging your daughter to spend time with her dad is so important. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. 1. Ill also add that it needs to be understood that belittling interests and eye-rolling is not okay from the daughter either- if youre seeing it from her to him it needs to end now. July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. Weird. Its no crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. **Disclaimer, I am a HUGE fan of the Original Star Wars films and even buy toys from those films when I am depressed which means I have an ALARMINGLY large collection. I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right. Janet got the love and affection of a parent from the old maid who raised her. If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). When I was 12 I thought New Kids on the Block was a real legitimately talented band. bittergaymark July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! We are extremely close and love doing the same things. I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. July 2, 2013, 1:26 pm. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. Their only way out of that entrapment is to keep their partners owing them. Interested in science? This young girl sounds like shes already quite cultured! Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. What?! And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. One teenager in the house is bad enough But TWO must be exhausting. Youre mad at your dad, not at me! Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! If youre not sure how to establish or improve your bond with your daughter, here are five tips: In conclusion, it is evident that a daughter needs her fathers guidance and support, especially during her teenage years. Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. Over time, you may have begun to feel a little desperate, wondering if there wasnt some sort of underlying game going on. So, encourage her to spend time with him. From one mom to another. doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. Such is not the case if youre on the end of a crazy-making partner. And if the mom feels this strongly about it and him interrupting them, I would bet that she complains about her husband to her daughter, which is not OK. Sophronisba I agree with this, except, I dont think the mother was intentionally pushing these shows on her, it probably just happened. So as a clearly NOT fan girl, its pretty good! Liquid Luck I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. That was my guess too. He sounds like a domineering and boring person. This is a throw away account. In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. Because your daughter may eventually outgrow her fangirl phase, but if you do your job right, shell never outgrow being a strong, confident, interesting and interested person. July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. Game of Thrones? THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. YUCK. I was able to read teen magazines but they made sure it was balanced. We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. My parents werent interested in that stuff. Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do. I second this. , temperance If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. But if she IS uninformed, then its good for him to point it out and provide her with ways to become informed. Talk about missing the point. Camping and hiking which FRANKLY are much better for her both physically and psychologically in the long run. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. painted_lady My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. I recommend that the LW keep a very close eye on this. And then it was like ok, you dont have to do that (not that I ever DID have to, I wanted to go, and then discovered it sucked). Are you on Tumblr? He wants to force his daughter to conform to the kind of person who enjoys the things that he does, and cutting her down for not being competitive (which usually means involved in team sports) and forcing her to do homework to his liking is not the same as an involved parent working to help his child become well rounded. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. Did I love that stuff? My father did not indulge in those with me but we had a great relationship. Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. No. Some article about historical events that are echoed in Firefly, for example, or some new technology that brings us one step closer to Star Trek, or the genuine history of witchcraft that was included in Harry Potter.